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TSS: Move Over Edward (or Five Reasons to Scrap the Sucker)

December 19, 2010

The Sunday

So, today, I came across the Classics section in the bookstore and found a copy of Wuthering Heights. Not weird, I know. This was weird, though: on the cover, it proclaimed it as “Bella and Edward’s favorite book“.

Oh, gag me, if you please. Not that I don’t appreciate re-marketing worthy classics to vampire obsessed teens; I just think that Edward pales (joke!) in comparison to many other handsome young bachelors in recent young adult fiction. Here are my five who outshine Edward and his sparkly skin.


Sam Roth: Way Hot Werewolf
He cooks. He cleans. He’s a family man. He protects the innocent and outshines Clapton on the guitar.
What’s not to love? Sure, there’s that pesky bit about becoming a canine if the weather drops below summer heat but this is YA, we’re talking about; where there’s a werewolf, there’s a way. Edward would do well to put down the Victorian chick lit and pick up a real man’s poetry collection. Ever heard of old Rainer Maria Rilke, Cullen? We didn’t think so.

Severus Snape: Super Sexy Slytherin
So he ran with the wrong crowd during the Death Eaters’ hay day and didn’t always see eye to eye with James Potter’s in-clique. He still won Dumbledore’s heart, fulfilling his last wish, and, tough as it was, protected Harry whenever possible. Vastly misunderstood, he was often used as the scapegoat, playing second fiddle to some real wackos when it came to his academic standing. With a little emotional TLC for his eternally bruised ego, this sulky, albeit brilliant and  snarky potions professor could turn his frown upside down and make all of your wishes come true without initiating you into the world of the undead.

Ron Weasley: Wizard Next Door
What’s warm, red, and super yummy? Blood suckers, you wipe that drool off your key board, right now; it’s just Ron! A little bit clueless but loyal as the day is long, this red-headed cutie-pie is wizarding royalty and as pure-blood as they get. The added bonus with a Weasley is that his flawless magical status comes attitude free (no Draco, here) and if he does manage to have himself eaten by spiders, he has an endless assortment of fabulous brothers to fall back on.

Gale Hawthorne: Rockin’ Revolutionary
So he’s not a wizard, werewolf or vampire; he is, however, the best friend a girl could ever have. He’s committed to justice and taking down the Capital even as the world falls to ashes around him. He knows your family and shares your love of hunting, sunsets and life’s simple pleasures. So he accidentally got himself wrapped up in the wrong end of an evil science experiment when the real war started; it’s not like he went on a decade-long killing spree when he got tired of being a vampire. Sorry, is that too close to home, Eddy?

Andrius Arvydas: Lovable Lithuanian
Meet the new kid on the block. Oddly, he’s the oldest cast member (please welcome him from 1941, ladies) on the stage, though he hasn’t even made his literary debut, yet. One half a dynamically charismatic couple in Ruta Sepetys’ Between Shades of Gray, Andrius is healthy, wealthy and wise. That is, he was wealthy until he found himself piled into a stock car along with Lithuania’s academic elite, one summer night, headed for the ends of the earth. His survival skills ride high but his sense of commitment to his family and his other travel-mates makes this European cutie rise to the top. The most mortal of the bunch, but with nothing to lose, he’ll risk everything for those he loves. Forget newborn vampires and pubescent wolfmen, the only forces you’ll have to overcome for his hand are Stalin, Hitler and Andrius’ dear old mom.

Have a hottie to add to the list? Feel free to nominate a charming young youth to the list.
Please, no submissions for Harry, Jacob or Peeta. They were clearly not enough to win out over their listed peers in the first place. Sorry lads.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 19, 2010 11:18 pm

    I love this list! I also hate the way that Wuthering Heights is being marketed to the Bella and Edward lovers. It seems like the Twilight PR people will do anything to sell more books!

    • December 20, 2010 11:51 am

      It’s so silly. I mean, again, one part of me thinks, hey that’s great that kids will be steered toward the old classics but I guess I just DIDN’T like Bella (and…she’s NO Catherine!) and DID love the original story…same for Romeo and Juliet…though I haven;’t gotten around to Austen….

  2. December 20, 2010 9:58 am

    Fantastic list! thanks for not including the usual suspects 🙂 I would like to add Cam from the Fallen and Torment books for putting up with self-satisfied Daniel and somewhat confused Luce. Sparhawk from the Elenium series by David Eddings for being a real man!

    • December 20, 2010 11:52 am

      Ooo! See, that’s waht I’m looking for: boys…er…I mean….stories I haven’t met, yet. Thanks for the addition!

  3. December 21, 2010 12:40 am

    I’m completely with you on Ron and Snape (I mean, James Potter’s clique wasn’t exactly the nicest group around…). Gale though. I have to admit that the whole time I read about him, I thought of him as a wife beater… Mind you, I wasn’t Team Peeta. I was actually Team Katniss and hoped she would end up choosing neither guy. But I couldn’t get past Gale. I foresaw everything that he turned out to be. 😀

    • December 21, 2010 1:13 am

      Haha aw, poor Gale. ;0) I kid. Honestly, by book three, he’d become someone different for me. And obviously he pretty much tanked in Mockingjay. I think I liked him only because he grew up with Katniss and, from the get go, Peeta was so sweet he gave me a toothache. I’m with you on Team Katniss, I think. ;0)

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